im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
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i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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