Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
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im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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