Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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