just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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