my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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