seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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