just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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