ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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