Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
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I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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