Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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