theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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