i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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