i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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