You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
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I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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