I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
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when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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