I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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