Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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