Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
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Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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