Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We had to coat check the pizza.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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