Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All I want is dick and wine.
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