Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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