Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's just like the Real World with babies
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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