My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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