It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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