How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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