dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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