Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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