What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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