I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
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BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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