I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize