Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
tequila makes me forget i have legs
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You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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