If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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