Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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