I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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