maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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