: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
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My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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