wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize