mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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