I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
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Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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