So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
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You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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