I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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