fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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