my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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