i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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