Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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