I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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