I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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