just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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