he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize