Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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